The Tools of the Trade

So over the past couple of weeks, I've been stalked by a particular song.  It would be the first on the radio when I started my car, and it's catchy.  I found it stuck circling in my head, a small ribbon of a melody entwined through my thoughts for days at a time.  And just when I could finally get it out, I'd start another drive to work, or a dozen other places, and there it is once more, waiting to re-wrap itself around my thoughts and my heart.

It is one of the most raw, accurate, and honest love songs I've ever heard.  And that accuracy hits close to home every time I hear it, bringing tears to my eyes.
I've seen this battle before.  True, I am absolutely nowhere near marriage, and haven't ever been invested in a serious relationship.  But this struggle has been one I've witnessed for so many other friends and family.
My family takes marriage pretty seriously, and they are great examples of how to "make it stick".  Both sets of grandparents passed the 50 year mark together years ago.  My parents are closing in on 35 years married pretty soon.  I actually have to look out to my great uncles or second cousins to find any examples of divorce in the family.  Each partnership operates so very differently.  Each individual with different strengths and gifts, so each pair works life out in its own unique combination of compromise and support. Not to mention the basic diversity of careers and locations as it affects the balance of a life built together.

Maybe because of these examples, or maybe just an innate curiosity, I've always been curious to learn and understand the nature of the vast array of interpersonal relationships.  I was able to spend time in college learning about the psychological perspectives, in addition to the teachings of the church and the bible on these topics.  I had excellent teachers in every arena, but it wasn't until the secular classes that I was able to realize the underlying intent of many biblical truths.

• The moment you try to rely on another human being to meet your needs (tangible or emotional) you give away your keys to control your own happiness.  "Nobody's Perfect": religious or not, this is what is considered a universal truth.  We have all learned by experience that everyone will let us down eventually, not always intentionally or maliciously, but it will happen to us all.  From a Christian perspective, we at least have the blessing that our creator will never forsake us or let us down.  God gives us all that we need to live our lives in accordance with his will.  The reliance on Him and the strengths he's given us are the foundation for finding contentment, instead of hoping for the soul mate that will complete us.
• Marriage, in addition to less formal romantic relationship and friendship, is not something that has "winners".  When we argue, we tend to see it as a competition to be right.  In all relationships, this competition never actually produces a winner at all, only multiple losers.  By "triumphing over an adversary" we damage the affection and can cause irreparable harm to all interactions (not to mention the necessary acknowledgement and reconciliation needed after regarding someone we say we love as an adversary).  Successful relationships rarely have a "me vs you" attitude, but one of "I want to made sure we find what works for us" when it comes to conflict.  Sometimes what works is agreeing to disagree, sometimes it's "Option C" and sometimes it is the mutual decision of sacrifice for each.  Biblically, we talk of partners who leave their families to be united as one entity.  A single entity does not usually and repeatedly attempt to tear itself apart because it will result in the death of that being.
• Be careful how you speak to and about the other person.  Your points are not seen as correct just because someone is "an idiot if you can't see the truth" or a jerk for not capitulating to your methods.  Derogatory adjectives do not support an argument, but ensure that the other person is more likely to begin ignoring everything you have to say, no matter who might be "right".  In the same vein, it is also important that every bad habit and disagreement isn't aired out to others in a hope of support for "justification".  If the only time you talk about someone to others is to bring up what they've done wrong or disagreed with you on, those third party friends are burdened with a very biased view of your spouse/friend/partner.  Long after your love for this person has eclipsed the momentary resentment, these outsiders will still be overly observant of the flaws.  While not all will agree that this would fall under the Commandment against false witness literally, it does present those outside the relationship with a false understanding of the other person.  God loves each of us for all that we are, and all that we are not.  In describing each other in the midst of frustrations, we leave out the attributes of the other that are the most beautiful.

So I hope one day, if it is the Lord's plan for me, to be able to commit to being united in brokenness to the second love of my life.  Either way, these concepts apply to so much beyond the realm of matrimony.

My grandmother has said quite often, when asked, that she believes that marriage is one of God's favorite tools to help shape people into the best versions of themselves that He calls them to be.  Just like an artist carving marble, some times it's big things, sometimes small, sometimes it's just like sanding down the rough edges over time.  Every change is precise and critical to achieve the grand design.  And some pieces of stone need a lot more work than others to get to their final form, so not all are called to be married.  Sometimes God picks a different tool.