Too tired for a title

Post-church naps are always good

Today, I'll be able to count on one hand the number of things I get done. It's just that kinda thing. I've been hit with a flare-up of fatigue (and other symptoms, but fatigue is the worst at the moment) since my sister's wedding about a month ago. I never knew, back before this all began, what it meant to be fatigued. I'd been tired, I think everyone knows what it feels like to be so tired you just fall asleep where you sit.

What I've learned is that there are 2 major differences between "tired" and "fatigued". One, if you're tired you can rest or sleep and then you feel not-so-tired. Two, I always could identify a reason I was tired, like not sleeping well, or spending all day running around doing stuff, or having to get up early that day.  Fatigue means I've slept over 12 hours last night, and I'm multiple cups of coffee into my day, and I'm still about to fall asleep. Those things I said I'd count on one hand? That's the number of things I'll do today, no matter what things I pick, and unfortunately, some of them are chosen for me. I'll manage to make dinner for my family (because that's something they won't have time to do for themselves), but that means I won't have the ability to take a shower today, or change into "real clothes".

That's why this blog post won't exactly come out as the "Part 3" I had originally envisioned.  Fatigue affects the body, but also the brain. I can't hold a thought for very long, or it takes a lot of energy to do so, at least.  I've already had to take a break from typing this, due to being too tired, and this is barely the 3rd paragraph in.  I suppose this is still an appropriate example, however, of the things I discussed in the other parts of these posts.  It's certainly easier to interact with than an example centered on racism, sexism, or other -isms that set many folks off.  So, with the hope that those issues can also be put into this model, I'll try and get this up before I fall asleep again:

1. I am fatigued. This is my truth right now.  It drastically affects my life. Please don't attempt to tell me "it's not that bad" or "it's all a matter of perspective".  It is very very very real and it truly impacts my life.
2. It is not my job to fix it.  I don't think I could, even if I wanted to do so.  Don't give me your advice on what I should do.  This is not my fault, not in my control, and yet it still affects me greatly.  It is a constant reminder of what I'm not able to do or be because the world is "unfair".
3. If that unfairness truly frustrates you, you're welcome to ask me what YOU can do to help.  Know that I may not have an answer.  Know that an answer may result in far more that you actually want to do. Don't ask if you aren't authentically interested. I barely have the energy to survive what I'm dealing with, so don't put up false hope in front of me when it takes so much effort to even respond.
4. Please think about what comments or jokes you make about this, because it matters to me that you take this seriously. "I wish I could sleep that much!", "maybe you're a real life Sleeping Beauty?", or "you really ought to try to keep a normal schedule, we've missed your help here" all tell me that you don't actually care enough to listen, that you don't bother to understand what's happening with me, and that you only ever cared about how I impacted you and your goals.  Please see #1.
5. Please don't make decisions or judgments on my priorities.  Things look different from my end, I promise. Explanations may not be yours to demand either.

So, no, I haven't made a Sunday morning service in about a month. At this point, I'm not sure when that will change. So here's my bottom line:

When the sign says "The Episcopal Church Welcomes You" do you mean it?

Do you mean it when I haven't showered in a week? Do you mean it when I keep cancelling on things at the last minute? Do you mean it when you don't see me at a work day, but do see me out with friends that night?  Am I still welcome when I can't offer anything? When I can't work, or give, or get up the front stairs on my own? Am I welcome when I'm a loud, disruptive crying mess because the world can suck sometimes and I figured this was the place to come for healing?  Will you welcome me when my brain is so tired I literally cannot talk, and have no way to tell you why?  Do you welcome me when it seems I get more out of coffee hour than the liturgy, because I haven't seen other people in days?  Do you welcome me when these things don't ever get better? Can you welcome me when I can't even get to church, so it's you that has go out of your way to include me? 

Will you welcome me when all the issues add up and I don't want to come to church anymore because I feel unwelcome? How?