How I think of Healing

Today, I woke up after a full night's rest, but my body doesn't seem to believe that. My hands and arms are week and shaky, and it takes nearly all the strength in them to move my 2 pound laptop.  Not all days are like this, though, and sometimes I wake up hours before my alarm with so much energy that my to-do list gets to die a swift death that day.  I just never know which kind of day it will be until it shows up.  So, today, with the recent release of Finding Dory back in the states (it's not in Brazil yet), I channeled my inner little blue fish to "just keep swimming".  I made it to work to teach.  I got here 30 minutes after the students arrive, but I got here (and I originally designed it so that I wouldn't normally take students until then anyways, in case I ran into trouble getting all the computer units up and going--which has already happened twice, so it was a good plan).

This week, I'm working with the older groups to finish a lesson I had originally started before getting sick.  We're learning about the names and functions of all the exterior and interior parts of computers.  Everything from a mouse to the purpose of a CPU and the difference between a monitor and a "tela" (screen) and between external and internal memory.  I still have to finish hand making the posters and labels that I will use with the younger, non-reading groups for this lesson instead of the 3 page written worksheet I designed for the older groups.  So I come in on mornings like this, with such a thankful heart for my coworkers, who greet me with smiles (and COFFEE!!!) and for the projector and air conditioner that allow me to functionally do all this (and were purchased with the United Thank Offering grant I was awarded back in March).

I am grateful for the internet connection I have here at work and at home that allows me to stay in touch with my family and friends that help motivate me to keep going. I can't imagine how this would ever go without them.

My illness is one that won't ever fully go away.  At this moment, there is no known specific cause, and no cure either.  It won't magically go away in time, and the effects are quite vast in terms of what and where I am feeling symptoms.  General and localized pain from toe to top on both sides of the body, stomach symptoms that mimic IBS, general fatigue, migraines, and (my personal biggest feared symptom) sudden onset mental and physical fatigue.  With these lasts, sometimes termed "fibro fog" I have lost my ability to process or speak Portuguese, sometimes even English, other times I fall asleep so quickly and deeply that I drop whatever I am holding and just sleep wherever I am (i.e. literally sleeping upright against a wall in my classroom on a day I, blessedly, had no kids in my classroom).

So I am still learning when it is better to push through, versus when I really need to stop before things get worse.  It's often just a game of trial and error, which is never really my preference, but is the only option.

I am very very grateful for all those out there (and those here too) that have offered support and prayers. Having faith in this part of God's plan for my life has been essential, especially on the really bad days.  That said, I'd like to take a quick bit to talk about healing.  I know, especially when it comes to matters of healing mixed with faith, there are probably about a thousand different viewpoints, and I am honestly no expert in any of it, but I can and will state my preferences.

Fibromyalgia is not my first chronic or recurring illness, so these personal standpoints are not recently arrived at, but have been something I've worked up to over more than a decade.  I know many people who have offered their prayers that I may be healed of these things, and while I'm thankful, I don't likely take that in the same way as most people.  It isn't that I don't believe God could heal these issues, but rather, my issues of the body and mind are not God's first priority, and sometimes afflictions encountered in this life actually help to heal what God really cares about.  I believe, when it comes to healing or trauma, God's first and greatest priority is the health and wholeness of my eternal soul, not my corporeal form.  I don't believe God views healing in the same way that humanity does, because I do not believe that God always views humanity in the same way it views itself.  If I pray, or ask for others' prayers, to heal me in an earthly manner, I have lost sight of the true goal of my existence.

I also really like the way a fellow YASCer speaks to this as well, so I would encourage you to also look at Tim's blog. He is serving his year in South Africa and posts some really great sermons.

Given all that, despite the physical and mental hurdles I have been through and will surely encounter again, and in light of a more divine view, I'd say that in many respects, my chronic illnesses have provided many more opportunities for contemplation and reconciliation with God and with others than I ever would have had without them.  Fibro, bipolar, and other similar diseases are not necessarily afflictions of evil or any sort of divine punishment, because, through abundant love and grace, my God through Jesus Christ, can use them to help me become more compassionate, more aware of the indwelling of the Spirit, and more focused on my dependence upon my God to truly set the path of my life.

My Grandfather always tweaks a very common mealtime BCP prayer, and I think it's a great addition:

Bless O Lord, this food to our use,
And us to thy loving service;
And make us ever mindful of and responsive to the needs of others,
For Jesus' sake. Amen.

So continuing in the themes of the Jesus Movement and Actionable Love, I can honestly state that my chronic illnesses have unequivocally made me more mindful of and responsive to the needs of others, which is all about reconciling and healing my soul. And since that's what matters most to God, I should make sure that's what matters most to me.